Karma, the Cunt

I am a firm believer in Karma. As someone who has had as insane amount of bad shit happen to her, I have found that taking a Buddhist approach to life, karma, and reciprocity has given me grat comfort and the ability to have some sort of inner peace. This is something that I was not able to fully achieve through Catholism.
I still believe in God, Jesus, and Christianity as a whole. Actually that is one of the things tha I love so much about the Buddhist religion. I read a book by Robert Thurman (yes Uma’s dad) about the Buddhist religion that says that all of the Gods- Buddah, Allah, Jesus, whomever, all co-exist in this universe. So with that being said, I sort of believe in a hybrid of Catholism (as I was strictly raised) and Buddhism.
Anyway, at the very top of my own personal belief system are two primary fundamentals. One is that the overall love for others, for the human race as a whole, trumps any sort of Bible passage. I don’t take them as a literal, historical documents, but rather more as a guide as to how one should live one’s life. The other is that you really can turn the other cheek because the universe seems to have a way of evening things out. Karma, and yes, she is a bitch.
Lately, I have been experiencing a whole, ton of shit. First, the basement apartment that I live in flooded with three inches of water, destroying practically everything I own. I have been dealing with this shit for over a month. Ripping up walls, rebuilding, wiring new lights, throwing away a dumpster full of shit, etc. then in the mist of this I get a call from the fraud department at my bank saying that there had been fraudulent activity on my debit card.
My first thought was that this was a scam call to get my pertainent info as my card was sitting in my wallet. Then I pulled up my online banking and lo and behold there was transactions that definitely were not me.
So I called my bank perplexed. They told me that someone must have made a duplicate of my card and was buying gas at $100 increments in Blue Earth, Minnesota. I have never been to Minnesota in my life.
Yeah, it sucked. It could have been worse though. This shit happened on a Wednesday. My husband and mine’s money hits every Thursday at four a.m. Luckily the card had already been shut off by then. I have the money back now, and my replacement card should be arriving soon.
I couldn’t help but thinking that this was karmic retribution for my past transgressions. Now, I have never hacked anyone’s card or bank account or made duplicate cards, but I have done a lot of shit in my addict days. We usually stuck to boosting from stores where there was no personal victim per se, but I am not going to sit her and tell you that I have never, in any round about way stolen from a person.
Even while I was getting high, I was very cautious of karma and her revenge which is why I never used violence. Never used any weapons, never robbed stores or banks or people, never stole cars. I was weary of how this would come back around.
Previously I have mentioned that I was previously clean for almost three years when I relapsed and that this blog is part of what I am doing differently this go round. Before that first extended period of sobriety, my husband and I were in a hit and run car accident. This is what we both ended up doing time for. After we had done our time, been clean for years, had a second child, gotten jobs, the works, the lady we hit decided to sue us. For a million dollars. Right on the three year statute of limitations for such lawsuits. She had repededly rejected what the insurance tried to give her ($25,000 at first and then $75,000) and wanted a million (a third of which would go to her lawyer).
I got it, but it just sucked because while yes we were at fault, it had been so long. We did our time, literally. It would have seemed more fair had it been while we were doing dirt still. It is what it is though. Actually, karma had a sense of humor and felt that this women was being particularly greedy. She suffered no real injuries, no broken bones. She left the E.R. In two hours. She was 75 and wanted to blame all her health problems, many of which were pre-existing on the accident. The jury awarded her $13,275 of which her lawyer got a third. She should have taken what the insurance offered.
Anyway, after the lawsuit, when I relapsed I was far more cautious of how I got my money. Yet, here I am paying for my sins of a decade or close to it ago. 2004 – 2006. Is it fair? I don’t know. I can not say that it is not. I deserve it, I really do. Do I think that I deserve it now? No, but justice doesn’t have to be swift, does it? What I do know is that I did not use. I could have, it was around, but I didn’t. Ironically, this event actually managed to strengthen my faith and my resolve. I know that there is someone up there watching us all. I was being tested, taught a lesson. Lesson learned. I managed to stay strong and not use so I know that there is someone or something helping to guide me, and to me that is what religion is all about- something to help guide our lives to be the most productive and best versions of itself.


3 thoughts on “Karma, the Cunt

  1. Obviously our situations are a bit different being that I’m still using, but I do know what you mean about being tested and staying strong and I do think we are rewarded for that. After I decided to clean up (after my boyfriends hit and run, ironically enough, Although that turned into an after thought once they found the 13 ounces of meth in his car), we went to Colorado for an three day Phish concert. The first day there was my second night clean, and needless to saying i was a mess and jonesing like hell. But I had do this for him. I had made him go through 8 months of mandatory sobriety and rehab, while I used the entire time in front of him, before I decided that I felt bad enough about it to quit. I was on Suboxone, but it really doesn’t do enough to curb the withdraw symptoms for the first few days. Methadone’s much better for that. Anyway, it was also our anniversary, so this was like my present to him.
    So we get to the lot before the show to buy some LSD. Let me just say, I’ve been to dozens and dozens of Phish shows, you see every psychedelic and dance drug available, but i’ve never once seen an opiate of any kind at a Phish show. Phans are very anti junky, because the band broke up once when Trey was using. So it was the last thing I was expecting to see. Within the first 3 minutes on the lot, the first guy that walks up to us is pushing H, and like 4 different kinds, including China White. I just wanted to die. Really I wanted to push that guy to the ground, steal his supply and run back to the hotel room, with or without my bf and get high all night. But one look at my guy and I knew I couldn’t do it. He probably would have understood. But I had put him through a lot and this was our anniversary, so I passed.
    I thought it was going to bum me out all night, all weekend really. But after I calmed down and stopped violently shaking and realized how grateful he was, it actually turned out to be one of the best weekends I ever had. The Suboxone started working and I didn’t feel sick, I didn’t even think about heroin the entire trip (which is a miracle) and through a series of what could only be Divine revelations, i decided that I really would quit with him for the duration of his mandatory sobriety and not only that, I was excited about it. I thought I was going drag my feet kicking and screaming the whole time until I made life so miserable that he eventually wanted me high so he could live with me. And I did it. I made the whole rest of his rehab with him.
    I really believe I was being tested. The whole setup was too perfect to be random. And when I past the test and showed I was serious, I had all the help and support (from above) that I needed to get through that time.
    Definitely Karma exists. Whether it’s self-sabotage in someway, or fate getting even, the more good you put out to the world, the better your life will be. And beside, even if it doesn’t come back around, you can at least feel proud of yourself and sleep easy at night 🙂


    1. I totally agree. Karma could be as simple as the satisfaction of knowing that you did the right thing or that you didn’t get wrapped up in petty bullshit. It is funny though, I was raised in a really religious Catholic family complete with nuns, religious ed, church every Sunday, and cousins who did not have sex until they were married. My sister and I were and still are the black sheep. Anyway, now that I believe in God, Jesus Christ but get most of my philosophy from Buddhism and my own religious conglomerate I have a lot more inner peace. I feel (and this of course is just my opinion) that many “Christians” are so focused on the rules, or Bible passages that they forget their morals. Like, “the Bible says it is a sin to be gay”. Oh, but it is ok to hate and persecute people? What happened to love one another or may he who is without sin cast the first stone? I also find it oddly comforting that karma got me back. It gives me faith that people who have fucked me over will get theirs. I have also finally gotten over my Catholic guilt and now understand that doing drugs didn’t make me a bad person. Some of my choices were bad, but honestly I think I always kept my morals in check pretty fucking well when I was using. I just know that I can not use anymore because of my kids. I don’t have unlimited money and I can’t take any risks of arrest. With my record I would most likely get time. The drugs though didn’t make me evil. I was never the slightest bit neglectful to my children.


  2. Buddha is -not- a god. He is The Enlightened One. In brief, he looked around at the world, his place in it and discovered that there are 4 universal truths. The first truth is that to live is to suffer. The fourth truth is that suffering can overcome by following the eightfold path. Right thought, speech, action, occupation, etc. Buddha was a -teacher- not to be worshiped but a leader by example. Buddhism is not a religion but a philosophy. Nirvana is the state of enlightenment or boundless clarity. Part of gaining clarity is to see the world as it is through eyes unhindered by intoxicants. When we step back and clear our minds and bodies we go back to the beginning which is truth.


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