Boredom is the Most Dangerous Thing to an Addict

When one gets clean off of drugs, there are many changes in one’s life. You make a major transition in your life. All of the sudden you have to cease speaking to everyone who you were getting high with, which more than likely is all of your current friends. You have probably alienated and/or fucked over all of your non-addict friends to the point where they don’t want to speak to you anymore.

The sudden lack of companionship has never been much of an issue for me in so far as it being a threat to my sobriety. The biggest hurdle of my sobriety is boredom. Actually, the very first time I went to a three day detox and game home, I literally relapsed right away because I didn’t know what to do with all of my time.

For me, getting high was an all day activity. One full of adventure and unknown surprises. Yeah, everyday I was faced with the possibility of incarceration multiple times a day, but in some sort of sick way, that in as of itself was exciting. It wasn’t just getting high and going about my daily business. It was so much moreThe day usually started one of two ways: either we had money or we didn’t. We almost never had dope. If we had money, we drove in town, copped our gate shot and got on. If we did not have loot, we went to the person that we sold our stolen goods to an got an advanced on the money that we would have been getting from him later that night.  Then we would cop.

One of the (many) problems with having a $1100 a day habit is that we were always very picky about our dope. While there may be dope or coke on every corner in Baltimore, most of it wasn’t good enough for us. The shit we wanted was usually hot and had 30 to 75 people waiting. All of the addicts would have to wait for the dealers to hit. You had to stay close enough to hear when they announced that whatever dope it was was currently hitting in the hole and hide from the cops. Sometimes the cops notice a bunch a heads roaming around and shut the block down. Then you have to go somewhere else. Also, very rarely was there enough dope for everyone. If you were not at the front of the line, there was a good chance that you were going to have to go back to your car, wait for another pack, and run back in the alley. This wait could be five minutes. It could be an hour or longer.

Every once in a while we would have a dealer with bomb ass dope that we would see a few times a day and then we just had to wait for him. This is also helpful because if we really couldn’t come up with money, any smart dealer who has customer like us spending over a thousand dollars a day will have no problem fronting us a half gram ($60) if we were ill.

After we copped, we drove to a particular Howard Johnson to get on in the parking lot. Funny side story: one time my husband and I were getting on in an abandoned row house with this homeless guy. We did two pills each and decided to do the other five pills we had. The homeless guy (who probably spends thirty dollars on dope a day) was telling us to save it. We each day a couple hundred in our pockets and were getting more money so we decided to do the rest of the drugs. Good thing to because as we were walking out of the row house two cops were driving by. One was this red-headed female cop who hated me because she thought that I was a rich county girl because I had a Chanel bag. She had pulled us over about three previous times. So anyway, of course they pull us over and hem us up. In the city, they will not lock you up for needles, cookers, ties etc. just drugs. They let us go, but as we were getting our shit and getting into my car, the male cop said, “Why don’t you just get high at the KFC at the Westside Shopping Center like everyone else?” Funnily enough we usually did get high at the KFC.

But the KFC was years ago, the Howard Johnson was the new getting on spot. We would park were we could see every car coming in or out and in a spot out of the camera view. Like I said, once the drugs are gone, you are golden because they are not going to arrest you of the needles and what not. In the city that is. Once you cross over into the county, they will definitely lock you up for needles and cookers etc.

Not that we were well, it was time to make some money. We would have about a 45 – 90 minute drive to get out to stores that were worth hitting. You would have to keep track of where you had been recently. One reason is because once you wipe out a store of whatever  it is you are stealing it takes a little while before they restock it. Secondly, you don’t want employees of any particular store to see you in there too much and hardly ever buying anything. Lastly, if you don’t rotate the stores, counties, states, they start to put security in the store waiting to nail your ass.

During the day we would go to one or a few stores, how ever much it took to get two to three hundred dollars. Then it was back in town, cashing, copping and going home. Since we weren’t ill at this point, we would go home to get high. I have terrible veins, it can take hours for me to find a vein and get high. Obviously, I was not a big fan of getting high in the car, half the time I would end up blowing (missing) it if I was not somewhere that allowed me the luxury to take my time.

We would relax a little, maybe nap, eat, watch TV, whatever. Then it was night time when we made our real money. We would go out about three nights a week and make about a thousand or so.

As you can see, almost all of my time was occupied with the getting high lifestyle. Getting clean was not just taking the drugs out of my life. It was taking away my very existence. Once I stopped getting high, I was just sitting home doing nothing. I wasn’t seeing anyone who I was used to hanging out with. People we got high with, went boosting with, bought drugs with and from. People whose houses we went to to get high at. People who we would run into at the Edmonson Village Center or the Westside Shopping Center or wherever else.

Not only that, but the city is always full of life. People everywhere, always something happening. But being clean, especially when I was first getting clean, meant that I needed to stay out of the city that I loved so much all together.

So now I am sitting there, newly clean, with nothing to do and no one to talk to. It’s just you and your daemons. Not only are you changing your entire lifestyle, but you also are faced with the memories of everything rotten and shitty that you have done in your active addiction.

This go round was easier for a couple of reasons. One is that I have gotten and stayed clean before. Two, since I have kids now, I was only going out boosting with my husband if we had a baby sitter. I had gotten a lot more used to staying at home with the kids at night. During the day, when they were at school, I would go in town and out to the stores.

Now, I have learned to spend my days just being a mother. I have had to learn to put to sleep the tiger that roars inside of me. The tiger, the devil in me, hates sitting still. It’s not me.

We have to learn to sit still and most importantly sit with ourselves. To really sit and look at ourselves. When you spend all of your time finding, getting, and doing drugs and things to get money for them, you have to learn new hobbies. Me, I have writing and makeup. My husband has work, video games and home improvement. Now that we have both been clean for a couple of years it is much easier to be used to staying home all day. When I start to get restless and bored, I stop and thank God that I am not sick when I wake up, that I never break the law. I thank God that I have my kids. My husband and I both made it through this alive.

I am here to tell you, sit still. It gets better. The boredom will subside. The pain will be alleviated. I know you are bored, but being bored and clean is better than being high and having excitement in your life.

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4 thoughts on “Boredom is the Most Dangerous Thing to an Addict

  1. I say that boring is good. The “excitement” that we think so fondly of is actually hell. They say you only remember the good times and block out the pain, which is why humans are programmed to not actually remember pain, only the thought of it. Calls from jail, waiting hours to cop only to find out its garbage, police, we think of it as excitement when reminiscing, but it’s hell. Which is why I say boredom is good. I’m happy being bored.I’m grateful being bored. Your not alone 🙂

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