Hell

I once read that if you want to know what hell is, then to look in an addicts eyes. Their pain- that is hell. I couldn’t agree more.

The most obvious, and physical hell and pain is the withdrawls. This will start either the next morning or that same night if the dope is really bad. Usually you can sleep through the very beginnings because sleepiness is the first stages. In fact, most people with dope habits that I know who crashed or totaled their cars didn’t do it high, they did it ill.  You are hesitant to want to get up and out of bed during this stage (unless it is to get dope) because this is the only sleep you will get for about three days. After that, you sleep a couple hours a night. It takes about 30 days or so to get your sleeping rhythm back. To me this is the worst part. If I could lay in bed and sleep and wake up to vomit, it wouldn’t be that bad. Time ticks by sooooo slow. You are up for like 72 hours straight, thinking about nothing except how shitty you feel. Not only can you not sleep, but you can’t even lay in bed. You can’t get comfortable. You get, as my ex called it, “the stretchies”. You want to jump out of your skin.

Your lower back aches horribly for almost a month as well. Not just you back, it is all the way through your bones. You have restless leg syndrome. You twitch and kick for no reason. Also, you are COLD, and I mean freezing cold. Like goosebumps in the summer. Sitting in front of a heater with sweaters, sweatpants, and blankets.

The cold is compounded by the fact that every time you throw up, you sweat profusely. The sweating stops the minute that you are done puking however, and then you are extra cold. You have cold sweats in general and soak through many shirts.

The worst physical hell that most people think of is your stomach. People have described it as death in your stomach. You can’t eat, at all. Well maybe a little chocolate (don’t ask me why). You wish you could eat so that you would have something in there to throw up. No, it is just layers of stomach lining. First, the white/clear, then the yellow, the the orange. It is so painful, and you can’t control it. As soon as what I call the “ill taste” gets in your mouth, you are done. This is why people spit so much when they are ill. Swallowing it will make you puke for sure. I have puked out the door while driving down the highway many times. Along with the throwing up come the shits.  You are dehydrated beyond belief. This is why rehabs stock Gatorade. Oh yeah, your nose also runs uncontrollably. You get to look forward to all of this for around 4 days before it starts to get a little bit better.

That is just the physical hell.

The mental hell is probably worse because that goes on not just when you are ill, but when you are high, even when you are sober. Actually, when you first get clean, everything gets so much worse before it gets better, that you think about going back to drugs.

You will do some crazy ass shit when you are ill. For example, my hustle used to be stealing and selling pharmecuticals. You could get any wheeee between $50 and $300 a store. We would hit a few a day. One day I had everything that I was going to take in the shopping basket, about to put them in my bag. I heard them call “Security, scan all sections”. Obviously I knew that this was for me. Normally, Imwpuld have put the basket down and left. But that day I was ill, and really didn’t feel like going to another store. I knew that they were upstairs watching the cameras, plus usually when they call “security”, they don’t actually have security. Security is usually undercover and will pounce on you out of nowhere. Anyway, I knew they were upstairs so I just ran out the door, taking the basket at all! I never would have taken a risk like that if I want dope sick. It is ironic that younare taking these sort of risks, because you do not want to go to jail ill. Withdrawls are hell atbthe Four Seasons, but on a metal cot, with bright ass lights and sweaty meats, awful.

If you do go to jail, you may have to go through the hell of visiting your family through glass twice a week for thirty minute intervals. You don’t know pain untill your child cries at you through glass asking you why you are in there and when are you comming home? When the visit is over, you go back to your cell where you are alone with your thoughts. You know that addiction is partially genetic. You lay there and pray that your children don’t make the same mistakes that you do. You wonder how you are going to talk to them about drugs when they are older. Tell them your story in hopes of scaring them or hide your past? If they find out about your past as a heroin addict will they refuse to listen to you telling them to stay away from drugs, labeling you as a hypocrite? 

As an addict the worst hell you could ever face is inside your own mind. There is no punishment that none can inflict on you that is bad as the pain that you inflict on yourself. As an addict “you’ll always be in jail, just minus the bars”.

 You put yourself through the hell of taking hours to get the money to cop, just to get in town and discover that what you want is on hold. Then, if you just have enough money for your gate shot, do you wait for the good shit, or try to get something else knowing that it won’t be as good or could be fake. So then even if you get what you want, you have to try to get on. I have no veins anymore. Every time I get blood drawn, I am always told that I have the worst veins that they have ever seen. This is at two years clean. Once in a blue moon, I find a vein. If not you miss. This can cause abscesses, which I have had many. I have had infections in my finger that sent me to the hospital for three days (I should have stayed longer, but they were not giving me enough methadone, so I left against medical advice). I have had my legs and feet so swollen that I couldn’t hardly walk.

I wouldn’t do to my worst enemy what I did to myself. To me that is the definition of hell.Image

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