I had to see my daughter twice a week, through glass, on half hour visits when my mother brought her to the detention center. I would go back to my dorm and cry like a baby. When I finally got out, my daughter cried when my mom gave her to me. She had to get used to her own mother! You don’t know heartbreak until your one year old rejects you. She of course got back to being a Mommy’s girl, but it was awful.
My husband, Aaron (Ariel’s father) was also locked up at the time. He didn’t come home as fast as I did. He server two one year and a day sentences ran concurrent. I was a single mother. I got a waitressing job, took care of my child, and held down my man. I stayed sober too.
Aaron was released in July of 2007. We were both sober and happy. We started trying for another baby. Soon I found out that I was pregnant! I was sober my entire pregnancy this time. (I had to do an inpatient rehab called Center for Addiction and Prefnancy with my first pregnancy). Aidan was born happy and healthy.
Problem was I was ashamed to be an addict, even a sober one. I wouldn’t admit my dark past to ANYONE. I was so embarrassed. Especially coming from my family. My sister and I are definitely the black sheep. The shame of it, the refusing to speak about it, wouldn’t let me ask for help when I relapsed. Had I spoken up when I first relapsed, I would have saved myself two and half years of heroin addiction. Hey, I never got back on coke, so yeah for that!
So that is my first, primary reason for this blog. This time, I am not scared. I am not ashamed. I am Amy. I am a heroin addict. I have lived more in my 29 years than most people ever will. I am slowly but surely forgiving myself. You know what I am not proud of everything that I did as an addict, but I am proud of who I turned out to be when I cam out the other side of the rabbit hole. If you can’t accept my past then FUCK YOU!!!
I am hoping that by not being afraid of admiting my addiction, I will maintain sobriety.
My other reason for writing is to give a little hope to anyone struggling with addiction. You CAN come out the other side! I had an $1100 a day habit. I have the scars (physical and emotional) to prove it, but I survived. You can too. Don’t be embarrassed. Don’t be ashamed because recovering addicts are some of the most knowledgable, compassionate, resourceful people in the world!